What I Gave Up for You

Letters from the Past.

I didn’t deceive you.

I didn’t lie.

I did the opposite of what had been done to you before.

I wanted a child with you.

Not as a trap.
Not as a mistake.

As a wish.

And I stopped myself.

Because I knew your history.

Because I knew what had been done to you.
Because I didn’t want to become that story again.

So I chose you over me.

I put something inside my body
that I didn’t want there.

Something that changed me.
Something that hurt me.

Not because I had to.

Because I didn’t want to disappoint you.

I didn’t want to become a burden.
I didn’t want to become a mistake.
I didn’t want to become another story
you would resent.

So I erased the only thing
I truly wanted.

And now—

this is what disturbs you.

That I dared to remember
what it cost me.

Do you understand what that means?

It means I gave up something
I will never get back.

Years of my life.

A child that never existed.
A life I never lived.

While I was here—
trying to be exactly what you wanted.

For you, I did things
I had never done before.

For you, I stayed.

For you, I let go of every dream
that didn’t fit your life.

And still—

it wasn’t enough.

You don’t get to feel disturbed.

You should feel the weight of it.

Because I didn’t deceive you.

I loved you
at my own expense.